Everything else. (If you're not sure where to post, post it in here)
#3788
Had a row with my wife last night and she threw a bottle of fabric conditioner that only just missed my head.
It must have been Lenor because it was a bit too close for Comfort.

-

George Bush goes to hell. Satan is already there waiting for him and says 'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and you'll take their place. However, you can choose whose place you want to take.
'Oh, that sounds okay I guess' says Bush.
Satan leads him to the first room and opens the door. In this room, there's a huge swimming pool. In it, Reagan is drowning. He goes down, then up, then down, then up, and he's gasping for air all the while.
'Oh, no,' says Bush. 'That's not for me, I'm a poor swimmer.' Satan opens the second door. The room is full of rocks and they see Nixon trying to break up the rocks with a wooden hammer.
'Nah, I have problems with my shoulders and my back, that'd be such a painful thing to do day after day.' So Satan opens the third door.
In the room, they see Clinton lying on the floor, all tied up. Monica Lewinsky is lying on top of Clinton, giving him a blowjob. Bush stares at the scene with a wide smile and says: 'Ah, that I could endure!' 'Alright,' laughs Satan. 'Monica, you're free to go!'

-
Whenever I'm in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
#4380
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow travelling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountain side, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO !!
#4728
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.


(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
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